Happy New Year!!!

Okay, so you may be thinking to yourself, ummmmm it’s already March. Where has this girl been for the last two months, and how come she’s just now welcoming the “new” year? 

Well, I have two responses to that question:

1) I have been in Ann Arbor, as usual, and have been experiencing writer’s block and the normal distracting life shenanigans of a college student.

2) Who cares?? Let’s not dwell on the details, eh?

It’s been about two and a half months since I returned to the States and each time I have opened this page to start writing, I end up staring at a blank screen for about 45 minutes, at which point I aggressively close my laptop and avoid reopening it until I absolutely have to begin the homework assignments I’ve most likely been procrastinating on.

But fret not, the “Bitch is Back”.

And if you don’t understand why that is in quotations, first of all, shame on you. Secondarily, get your phone out, open iTunes or Spotify and start listening to Elton John’s greatest hits album. Now!!!

I digress.

This semester has been a challenging one so far, but hey, I’m back to writing, and it can only get better from here, right?

As I have attempted to readjust to the pace here in Ann Arbor, I have found myself walking through life almost as if I were reading my own memoire, ironically able to see the road blocks and aversions that stand in my way, but unable to avoid these inevitable challenges, for they are already printed in ink on the page.

The reverse culture shock that comes with a return from studying abroad is something I was warned to look out for, and something I thought I was processing relatively well. But as the semester began, I started to see my emotions unravel and I found I was no longer as stable as I wanted to believe. I soon realized that even though I was readjusting to my old life, I am no longer satisfied with what that life was. It isn’t enough.

No one understands me. Life moves too quickly here. People feel so insincere, ungrateful, self-serving and most definitely incapable of living in the moment.

I have felt like a soul trapped inside of the wrong body.

I have felt dissatisfied intellectually.

I have felt lost.

We have grown up in a society that forces us to swallow the idea of a future that is set in stone; we become so obsessed with what comes next, that we are incapable of seeing what is right in front of us. In high school we worked restlessly to get good grade and to be accepted into the most prestigious universities in the country. We put ourselves through so much stress and hurt, only to start the same cycle over again at university, in hopes of moving on to grad school.

But lately I’ve been really struggling with a seemingly simple question: why?

I have followed my “life plan” so far, but have reached a fork in the road of my story’s plot. I have so many aspirations and passions, yet this ingrained path I feel I should be following is telling me that the simplest next step is to carry on to graduate school.

Why? Well, basically, I have no idea. My immediate instinct is to respond, why not?

But the more important question is, why are we all rushing ourselves into these plans we’ve had laid out since the age of 15, when we can’t even identify what it is that is motivating these decisions?

Essentially, why am I in such a hurry to do something I don’t even really want? Because that’s just what comes next, right?

Wrong.

I am taking a surprise left turn at this intersection of my present and future. We, especially our generation, are so much more valuable than the long hours spent studying or the hundreds of dollars spent on text books.

The world is not in a text book or in a classroom. It is beyond.

So what am I going to do? I have no fucking clue. But whatever it is, it’s out there.

Here’s to accepting realities, and pursuing resolutions!

Happy New Year, folks.

All my love,

Rachael <3