We are all emotional hoarders. Ever think about that? Whether it be in the form of physical memorabilia that gets left in the attic, untouched until you move and reminisce on it, only to again store it in your new attic, or the emotional baggage we cling to as we live out daily lives.

I can openly admit that I am the queen of emotional hoarding. Because, why would I want to let go of my own pain, right? Then I might actually attain happiness — God forbid! I’m surprisingly good at getting rid of clothing or physical belongings that I no longer use. But that emotional baggage — loss, anxiety, heartbreak, fear — I carry that shit around like a 100 lb suitcase without wheels, just dragging against the pavement behind me as I lose energy.

In fact, this post began in the pages of a journal I bought in a place and time that feel far enough away to be another life, and it was written in my current favorite pen, which happens to be a little take-home item from a heartbreaking funeral I attended over six months ago. I wouldn’t consider these to be memorabilia that are taking up space in my life because they still get daily use, but the emotional sentiment that comes with such use IS the baggage I seem to let weigh me down.

It is time, though, to start letting go. I will not forget, and I will hold on to memories, because I do and always will love you.

I am not writing to a “universal you,” nor am I only addressing one specific individual. It is just time for me to let go of the reigns of which I lost control of long ago. I cannot keep you forever, nor can you tie me down.

We have loved, hurt, yelled, cared, ignored; we have grown, changed and explored together.

I am no longer, nor will I ever be, the same person I was before you, as I am after. But we must let go. Our time has come and passed. Another life lies in front of you, and new opportunities ahead of me. Yes, its’s scary, and I am just as nervous as you are, but also excited for the both of us.

I lay in bed at night sometimes, feeling incomplete without you, and processing the pain of the day you left, the day you will leave, or the day I lost you.

I love you and miss you more and more each day. But just know, above all else, that I forgive you. I do not resent you, and I am too tired to continue being angry. All I feel is love. I will never forget the colors you have brought to my life.

But at least for now, it is time to check my emotional baggage and walk forward with strength and your support to guide me.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I AM you.

Here’s to moving forward, pursuing insane ambitions and enjoying every moment of our separate but parallel adventures.

Love,

Rachael Lorraine